akaalysia

No matter how hard I try, time keeps slipping away.  I hold onto moments, mere glimpses of true happiness and sorrow.  I worry that one day I will even lose these simple moments that I have fought so hard to keep.  Things change no matter how hard I try to keep them the same.

And at the same time, no matter how hard I try to make positive changes in my world, the efforts seem to plod along, not making much difference at all.  The money and time spent on social action seems to flow like a river away from me into some vast far away place.  The efforts spent on self improvement fall short of their goals never truly completing the desired change.  So things stay the same no matter how hard I try to change them.

It is an interesting duality.  Maybe my viewpoint speaks to my impatience and spoiled nature of wanting what I want when I want it.

Some have told me that this is what life is like as a parent. There is never enough time.  Time to play, learn, enjoy, correct, clean, appreciate, sleep, etc.  I find myself wishing for more hours in the day.  More time to spend with my little angel.  More time to make the world a better place before I set her loose in it.

I must settle for doing the best I can.  And trying to focus on what is most important to me, and my little angel.  But it's hard to settle, because I want everything.

Things will be as they will be, and we will persevere and even prosper.  This will be my mantra for now.

Until it, like everything else changes.

Today I was exhausted.  I think that working 3 days a week, in addition to being the primary childcare provider for our house, and continuing to have a social life is wearing on me.  I have no clue how mothers can work a full time job and still stay relatively sane.

( It's amazing to see her grow and learn... )

I am very thankful for all the things I have each day.  While different items in the news may disturb me, and upset me, and I want better for the world, I really can't complain much about my own life.  I love my family.  We make enough money that I can stay home with my angel.  We are a tight knit group and we laugh together every day.  If I can keep it like this, i will have a very nice life.

My one regret is that it always seems that I need extra time in the day to see friends and get things done.  I am trying to find a way to fit more of the things i enjoy into every day, while still fulfilling my responsibilities.  If anyone has any magic tricks, let me know.

Well the little one i love requires my attention.  Good night all!

To the difficult guest I had at work yesterday,

Please know that my department has thousands of products available for your purchase.  Unfortunately the sheer volume of the selection makes it prohibitive for any one staff member to know off the top of their head the formulations of every product on our shelves, or the status of every order we have coming in.  I do not have access to our suppliers stock levels, and I am not the one who places the orders, so I am unsure as to the exact timing for the delivery of that product.  I also am not a computer and can not keep all of this data in a readily available, but seldom used file to pull out when you want the answer now.

Unfortunately, I am unable to find the answer out for you right now, because it is a weekend, and the supplier/manufacturer is closed for the weekend.  I would be more than happy to take your information and get back to you with an answer.

Please do not condescend to me about not doing my job well, because you are upset that you can not have immediate satisfaction.  Patience is a virtue, and I am just asking you to be reasonable.  And please do not insist to me that you pointed this issue out to ME a week ago.  I am sure of the fact that we have not spoken about these issues previously.  And please do not tell me that I just don't remember.  I get paid to remember, and I do it very well.  There are many other people on our staff, please accept the possibility that you could be mistaken.  As I have accepted the possibility that I may have had a discussion with you on this subject and then promptly developed amnesia, or developed post traumatic stress disorder, and blocked you and your condescending nature from my memory.

When you tell me that a product on the shelves is not the one you purchased a while back, and I ask you if you would be willing to bring the product you have in with you so that we can compare, please do not tell me that you could do that yourself.  I know you are capable of doing that, but you have information that I don't.  You have documentation of the formulation that you have at home.  I need that in order to be able to find you the same product.

I do very well at my job, and I want to make sure that you are happy with your experience here.  I will do everything in my power to make sure you have all the information you require in a reasonable amount of time.

Please know that I can also make mistakes, and I am willing to accept the consequences and apologize for my shortcomings.  I understand that you are frustrated, and I understand that it is upsetting to you to make the trip out to our store, and not find the exact item you want.  I am sorry that we are unable to satisfy you in this moment.  However, there is only so much time that I will stand here and listen to you condescend to me about things that are out of my ability to control.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this commentary on our interaction today.  I hope it enlightens you on the virtues of patience and humility.

Sincerely,
Insignificant Team Member

Happy New Year!!!

I have been wanting to post for a while, but I guess I haven't been wanting it enough.

So a lot of things have been happening for me over the last few weeks with the holidays and all, but it's nothing overly exciting.

( Here's the short version that probably won't bore you to death... )

Do I have any resolutions you may ask?  Well, no.  I find that if I make a resolution, I am very likely to break it very early on.  Most of my "resolutions" are too nebulous of ideas to give them quantitative goals anyway.  I think I'll say instead that I have intentions for 2009.  We'll see how that works.

This year I intend to:
Spend time with my angel
See the bright side of things
Prioritize and organize
PURGE
Work toward a healthier me
Socialize
Return (and make) Phone calls (sorry everyone that I've been so lax)
Take time for myself

( So far... )

I'm off to dreamland.  Hopefully I'll post more soon.

This is a repost of a repost, just trying to get the word out, and get this dog some help.  Please contact Myke with all serious inquiries and suggestions.

Saturday morning, at 3AM, while driving a friend home in Newark, NJ, I came across a dog that had been hit by a car. She was limping badly and I could see that her leg was severely damaged and very swollen. I pulled over to help and called 911 and the Humane Society. I would remain with her for the next 3.5 hours in the pouring rain. After a little coxing, she struggled in pain to limp a few feet over to me. She immediately nestled her head in my chest for comfort and stood close to me while she shook and whimpered. She was soaked to the bone and in terrible pain. I can't begin to tell you the bond that I struck with her that night. It was one of the most emotional moments I've ever experienced in my life with an animal. I vowed to her and myself that I would not leave her, or let anything else bad happen to her while I was with her. When the Humane Society finally showed up 3 hours later, I asked the driver what I needed to do to help her and he told me to call the shelter the next day. And so I did. After speaking to several people, they explained to me that if she needed surgery for her injuries and it was too costly for the shelter to do, they would simply put her down. I was relieved to find out that she did NOT have any internal bleeding, but DID have a dislocated femur and more than likely, they would NOT do the surgery. Her time would be limited. Two friends of mine stepped up and offered to help me by chipping in money for the surgery. I was one step closer in rescuing her from a death sentence. Since she didn't have tags or a collar when she was found and was obviously homeless, I was ready and willing to adopt this wonderful animal and give her a good home. However, it seems that all my effort to save this injured creature, so desperate for love and affection, have been in vein, as I was informed this evening that dogs are no longer permitted in my building. You could well imagine what a blow this was to me. No matter what happened from this point on, I would never be able to give this dog a good life. Though I went through all the motions to get her off of the street and medical attention, I could not keep her. No exceptions to the rule.
So, I'm asking everyone, is there someone out there willing and kind enough to give this wonderful, year old, Rottweiler a place to live out her life? I ask this question for the life of this beautiful animal that needs love and a fair chance. I fell in love with her from the moment I held her in my arms. She came to me for comfort and safety that cold, rainy night and I cannot erase the image of her head fixed to my chest, as if in some way telling me how much pain she was in and how grateful she was for me being there for her as the rain drenched us both. I whispered in her ear that I promised to give her a home and the love that she so rightfully deserves as an innocent creature of this Earth. Now, it breaks my heart to know that I'm limited in my efforts and unable to carry out that promise to her. I spent 3.5 hours in the rain with her and knowing she could be put down because I can't take her home is more than I can bear right now. It really is killing me.
If ANYONE out there is willing to help this homeless, hurt dog (who I've named Storm) and give her a home, please contact me A.S.A.P. Her life depends on it. I will do everything in my power to get her to you. She is kind, sweet and not vicious at all. She would make a great companion to any dog lover. Above all, I would be eternally grateful to the person that could come through for me in this time of need. Please help her if you can.
I'm sure Storm would be more grateful than I could ever be for giving her a chance to live. This call goes out to everyone. Please spread the word.
Serious inquiries only, please.
Thank you for reading this.
Sincerely,
Myke Hideous
11/18/08

Myke can reached through his MySpace @ http://www.myspace.com/themykehideous

So I was on Facebook, and saw that a family member joined a group that is against the FOCA (Freedom of Choice Act).  I went to the page for the group, and the group claims that this legislation should be called The "Freedom for Partial-Birth Abortionists Act."  So I was confused and decided I should read the actual bills being introduced by congress, fortunately the group that was against the act had posted the actual items being introduced in both the house and senate.

http://www.nrlc.org/FOCA/FOCA2007HR1964.html and http://www.nrlc.org/FOCA/FOCA2007S1173.html

Since they were posted by the people contesting the act, I was concerned that the text wasn't accurate, but even given the text that is listed on these sites I do not see how this legislation is granting more freedom for partial birth abortions.

Some other claims made by anti-FOCA groups are:  This legislation would force the government to subsidize abortions.  Medical professionals would be required by law to provide these services.  Legislation could not be passed regarding locations of abortion clinics, and the list goes on.

As far as I can see, in simplified terms the federal government is saying that in the US, no law at any government level can be passed that denies or interferes with a women's right to choose to bear a child or terminate a pregnancy prior to fetal viability, and that in the case of maternal health implications or life threat abortions may occur after viability.

Has anyone else read these documents?  Can someone tell me what I am missing?

Thanks.

I was writing another post, and went off on a tangent.  I feel that this tangent deserves it's own post, so here it is:

I am an opinionated person.  I am more than willing to listen to any argument, and debate the issues, but I will not be dismissed, berated or ignored. 

I believe that we can change the world, but it will take a lot of work. I believe that we should exhaust diplomatic methods of solving an international crisis before we wage war.  I believe that we should not ignore mass genocide going on in the world while instead waging a war for undocumentable reasons.  I believe that everyone in this country is created equal, and should have equal rights, regardless of creed, color, gender, orientation, preferred language, and so forth.  I believe that we are not perfect, and that people should be given second chances.

I want our children to grow up in a world where the air and water is clean.  I want to have a stable economy.  I want this country to have excellent health care for everyone.  I want the education system to be graded in a method that does not rely so heavily on standardized tests.  I want women to have the right to have a medical abortion, but I want them to choose to have the child.  I want to feel safe from threats both domestic and international.  I want to reduce my carbon footprint.  I want everyone to have a home and food on the table each night.  I want this country to move forward, and take some chances in order to achieve a better life for all.

I believe that most issues do not have a clear answer.  I believe that each situation deserves scrutiny to discover the proper path to tread.  I believe that the strength in a democracy is that we have the right to disagree and to debate issues.  I believe that others have the right to disagree with me, and while I may not like or respect their opinions in all cases, I respect their right to express the opinion.

Where has the true art of debate gone?  Why have we lost the ability to respectfully disagree, but still discuss?  I want to understand others views, and be given the chance to challenge them.  I want to have an intelligent conversation with someone from the other side of the fence.  One that does not include misinformation, just our beliefs and convictions, and how we came by them.  I want to have a serious debate that does not end in anger or belittlement.

I hope one day I will live in a world that fulfills all of these desires and beliefs.

The day started off dreary, and rainy, but it quickly turned to snow and slush.  All I wanted to do was bundle up and start a fire, but unfortunately, I had to go food shopping.  I decided to make an outing of it and have lunch while we were there.

So I bundled up my little baby girl, grabbed my shopping bags and an umbrella, and trudged out to the car.  I dropped the bags and umbrella in the back, and then secured my daughter firmly in her car seat.  A kiss (or two) on her forehead, and I closed her door and got into the driver's seat.

I was traveling via highway to my favorite supermarket.  The roads seemed fine.  Everyone was driving at a reduced speed due to the rain.   I hit a puddle and saw the spray of water come up over the concrete divider, so I slowed down a little more.  We traveled on.  My little angel fell asleep while gently suckling on her fingers.

As I entered a less populated section of highway, I hit a puddle, and this time, I did not notice a splash.  Immediately the car began to lurch to the right.  I attempted to turn the wheel in order to regain control, but alas the car seemed to want to slide across the slick road to it's own rhythm and choreography.  The car gently glided into the next lane of traffic, and then began to spin.  The horrific grace of the car's motions absolutely terrified me as I realized that I was not going to be able to regain control.

At that moment, all I could think about was my poor child sleeping peacefully in the backseat, unaware of the current threat to her wellbeing.  At times like these I cannot help but call out to a higher power for support, help, hope and guidance.  So that is what I did.

The terrible automotive dance ended in a crash as the rear passenger side of my vehicle hit the concrete divider in the center of the highway.  My little angel awoke with a loud cry as her side of the car was impacting the concrete divider. The side airbags deployed.  The car had come to rest, in the left lane of traffic, spun around so it was facing the oncoming traffic.

I immediately found my cellphone, fumbled with unlocking the keys for a moment or two and frantically dialed 911.  I wasn't sure of the full extent of the damage, or of the condition of my daughter, but I knew that the sooner help arrived the better it would be for all of us.  We were left in a very bad location, and a second accident was almost inevitable.

A wonderful gentleman stopped in his van, in the left lane, blocking our car from oncoming traffic.  He turned on his hazards and rushed out to make sure everyone was alright.  I was trying to talk to him and the 911 operator simultaneously.  I tried to get out of my car to check on my daughter in the backseat, who was surprisingly quiet.  I forgot to put the car in park, or set the break, and as I pulled my foot off the brake, the car started to lurch forward.  The man told me to put the car in park, so I did.  And rushed to check on my angel.

She was wide eyed, and suckling on her 2 fingers as always.  She was very upset, but appeared to be uninjured.  I left her in her car seat, afraid of the possible second crash that may come.  i was told by the 911 operator that police were enroute to the scene.  I relayed this information to the gentleman in the van, and he informed me that he would stay until the police had arrived, because he felt that people couldn't see us, and might hit us if he left.

While we were waiting, I saw another car hit the same puddle, and slide into the median.  He did not travel as far as I did, and his car was drivable afterward, so he drove his car to be in the lee of my accident, and got out to speak with me.  He had slowed down, because he saw the van with it's hazards on, and he was trying to merge into the right lane when he hit the puddle and his car began it's short dance across the slick road surface.

Finally the police arrived to assess the situation.  I was told to attempt to drive my vehicle off to the shoulder once they stopped traffic.  There was a loud grinding as I drove the car and made a U turn onto the shoulder.  The police waited for me to check on my daughter's well-being before getting any documentation from me.  Gladly my daughter seemed fine.  I removed her from her carseat and had her walk along the shoulder for a few steps.  I gave her a big bear hig, and re-secured her in her carseat.

We had a friend pick us up, and the car was towed away.  I called the pediatrician, and they wanted my little angel to get to an ER to be checked out, but it wasn't urgent.  They told me that feeding her first was acceptable, since she hadn't had lunch and it was now 2 hours overdue.

The ER visit went fine, and they are confident that she has no injuries.  I have some muscle soreness, but other than that I am fine.  The car, we are waiting to hear back about.

Today I will try to spend some time thanking the greater power(s) whatever, or whomever they may be.  And the rest of my time will be spent enjoying my angel here on earth, and relaxing with her.

And if the gentleman who stopped in his van ever happens to read this, I do not remember if I thanked you for your kindness.  It was greatly appreciated.  Thank you with all my heart for reaching out, and being willing to help us in our time of need.

After seeing the most recent Narnia movie (Prince Caspian), I had to go back and re-read the Chronicles of Narnia. The movie deviated from the novel, as it always does, but I think it changed the tone of the story some. So I have been contemplating CS Lewis, and the world of Narnia, as I have re-visited each of the stories.

Today I have come to an interesting line of thought. I do not believe I will spoil anything for those of you who haven't seen the movies or read the books. What I am contemplating involves one of the basic premises of Narnia, and that is the existence of "Animals". An Animal with a capitol A indicates that this animal is an intelligent animal that can converse with you. There are also animals that are "dumb" and cannot speak in this world. Sometimes you will find both Animals and animals within the same species.

Within the stories it is indicated that eating the meat of an "Animal" is considered the same as cannibalism. But eating the meat of an animal is not, and is, in fact, common and referred to in one story as being higher quality and having better taste than a vegetarian diet.

I then continued this thought process. Does that mean that in Narnia, meat from a stupid human would be considered to be acceptable to eat? And what IQ would a person have to have in order to not be considered livestock? I think that CS Lewis himself contemplated this while writing these books. (If you want my reasoning why, let me know, and I'll put up a second post with a spoiler alert, so as not to spoil any part of the story for the unsuspecting)

And that brings me to wonder the following:

Was CS Lewis a severely twisted individual?
Am I a severely twisted individual?
Is my vegetarianism going to my head?
Did this occur to anyone else while reading these stories?

And now I am off to contemplate dirty dishes....

I have been home now for a week.  I still haven't caught up with all the laundry and dishes, but everything will come in time.  I would love to have a clean house, but I'd much rather play with my daughter and see old friends.

I was expecting to be back on the schedule at work this past weekend, but I found out when I checked the schedule this week that i had received an unexpected extension on my "vacation."  On one hand I was happy to postpone my return to work, but on the other hand, we need the money, so it was a mixed blessing.  But all in all, I thought having a weekend of downtime would be refreshing for me...

What i didn't realize then was that I would make tons of plans that would consume my weekend.

( If you want more details read more... )

Well, there's a random update.  Thanks goes out to notshakespeare for reminding me that I haven't posted in a while.  I will try to write more often, but it's hard now that the pixie is becoming more mobile.

I am writing this while sitting at the table of a friend in Buffalo, NY.

On Friday my hubby took off from work to make sure that little pixie and I got on the train ok.  We were supposed to take the 8:15 am NJ Transit train into Penn Station, NYC.  Unfortunately, we missed that train, and the next one, and got on a train that got us into Penn station 10 minutes before our Amtrak train departed.  We booked it across penn station, and got to the train with about 6 minutes to spare.  So my Mr wonderful helped us load all of the luggage (and the carseat)  onto the train.  We kissed him goodbye, and after a few tears (mine, I don't know why I was so sappy) he left the train.

And that left me and my pixie to spend 8 entire hours with each other.  I had nothing to do but sit there, play with her and eat.  No dishes to clean, clothes to wash, or pets to take care of.

It was amazing.  We played peek a boo wih her blanket, and eventually we put the blanket over both our heads and pretended we were in a tent.  (well, I was pretending, she's too young to know the difference, but indulged mommy none the less.)  We read books, and I recited stories.  When lunchtime came, we ate the food I had made the night before for us.  We even took a nap togeher.

Getting on the train, and getting off the train was rather stressful, but that time in between was almost magical.  It was the first time in a long time that I spent the whole day just interacting with her, and not worrying about the rest of the world.

I have to remember to take more days like this in the future, before she gets too old and busy to enjoy them with me.

We are now safe in Buffalo,and are having a wonderful time with friends.  Tomorrow Grandma comes to pick us up and take us up to her art studio in Canada.  :-)  It should be a great time!

Maybe while I am there, i will have some time to write about Pixie's birthday, and her 3 cakes.  :-)


 

( The envelope please... )

Take The Which Lolcat Are You? Test at HelloQuizzy

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I decided to take this personality test, like anisette_toast

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPC - The Artist

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Color

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

It's a panda, no wait it's a panda-pup..

Ok, so I was bored enough today to take one of those silly quiz things. Here's the result...




So I'm not an elite goth, or anything like that. Apparently, I don't know enough about the culture. It's interesting that in 15 questions they can determine that I'm really only just a goth. If they used 15 more, they may have realized that I am only a poser.

It usually takes people a lot longer than that to figure it out...

;-) I guess I will be content with being just a goth. And since I hae been downgraded to just a goth, please don't scoff at me for not wearing fishnets in 80 degree weather, or for *gasp* actually having some pastel items in my wardrobe... ;-)

On my way home from work on Sunday, my husband informed me of a shootng at the Unitarian universalist Church in Tennessee Valley.  There weren't a lot of details at that time on what exactly had happened, but there were many speculations.  It turns out he wrote a note about why he did it.  You can read about it here:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jOAQKzY-aOBqDspFkEAV_ZO65vZAD927J9O00

The shooter stated that he believed that all liberals should be targeted because they were ruining the country.  One neighbor describes him as being a loner who hates blacks, gays and anyone different than him.  The same neighbor in a different article described him as having "a heart of gold" (http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2008/jul/29/friends-suspect-had-two-sides/)

How can someone have so much hatred in their heart and still have a heart of gold?

Also, my husband was reading the first articles, and some of the reader comments were completely inappropriate.  One talked about how the People at the Church that were killed would be going to hell, because they didn't believe what this reader did.  Seriously?  This person read about this horrible occurrence, and thought to chastise the VICTIMS for their choice of religion? There were a number of comments that were deleted, and I think that the moderators were having a hard time keeping up with the filth and bile being spewed by some readers.

So now I am worried about society.  How can such hatred be fostered and allowed to grow?  I'm starting to believe that the term righteousness, is really just used to justify a personal hatred, and to fill a need to feel better than others.

I have so much sympathy for the victims, and for the families friends and community out there in Tennessee.  And at the same time, weirdly, I feel pity for the man who chose to commit this atrocity.  Sadly, I only feel anger toward the reader who used the comment forum to spout religion mandated prejudices.  But I will pray for everyone involved, directly or indirectly, and I will pray for that readers soul, and hope that they gain empathy.

And while I worry that the world is full of hearts of black tar, I find much encouragement in the communities response to this event.  It seems that the neighboring Presbyterian church has opened it's arms to their UU neighbors.  It warms my heart when I see churches reach across the faith barrier, and help create a better community, or world.

So, while my mind is murky, my heart is hopeful.

"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we thought when we created them" - Albert Einstein
So I've recently been watching a lot of documentaries.  I don't know why, maybe I like depressing myself...

Most recently, I started watching Toxic - Garbage Island on www.VBS.tv
http://www.vbs.tv/video.php?id=1485308505

After watching about 2 minutes I was committed to try to live without plastics.  Well, let's be realistic, I was going to try to limit my usage of plastics.  I have tried to do this before, and have failed miserably, because plastic is so ingrained in the supply chain now that it's impossible to eliminate completely without DRASTIC lifestyle changes (Car, computer, TV, Radio, etc)

This depressed me.  I remember when I was a child they still used wax paper bags in the cereal and cracker boxes.  Now everything is either plastic, plastic lined, plastic capped or plastic has been applied in some other way.  So I looked to the more "environmentally friendly" companies for packaging.  Surprise!  Just about every one uses plastic.  Grrr!!!!

I became depressed, very depressed.  I feel like there is nothing I can do to keep these substances from leaching into the environment.  And it's such a murky issue. 

Am I ok with recycled plastic?  Well, if it's 100% recycled I am happier with it than with new plastics, but most packaging that is "recycled" contains only 25-70% recycled plastics, and how many of them are post consumer?  And what would happen with these petrochemicals if we didn't have plastics?  Would they get dumped into the environment in other ways?  Is the solution a better recycling and disposal chain that keeps plastics and petrochemicals out of the ocean (and environment)?  argh!!!!

I am at a loss, and I want to be a part of the solution, and not just whine about the issue.

I can look at the problem and break it down into some areas we need to address (I know this isn't all of them, I'm mostly brainstorming at this point):
1)  The current petrochemicals that are polluting the oceans and environment (already disposed of)
2)  Reformulating current products and packaging of products using biodegradable alternatives and 100% recycled plastics.
3)  Recycling all recyclable plastics (requires the packaging industry to USE recycled plastics, and requires local municipalities (and people) to support FULL recycling programs)
4)  No longer creating non-recyclable petrochemical products
5)  Finding a proper disposal method for all petrochemical products that can not be recycled.

Or alternately, we can try to create a super race of creature that can utilize plastic as it's sustenance, and excrete something more valuable to us as a result...

Any ideas?  Either to cheer me up, or to make me feel like I can actually make a difference?

Thanks!

Ok, I have been convinced that I lost a significant amount of brain function in childbirth for a while now, but it never ceases to amaze me when I do something that demonstrates this fact...

Monday, I couldn't find my keys ANYWHERE.  It was like they didn't exist.  This wasn't a big deal though, because I didn't need to go anywhere on Monday.  So, a normal intelligent person would think, "but I WILL need them TOMORROW, since I have a meeting at work, so I should continue to look for them."  Needless to say I am not that person.  So I go out on Monday night to dinner with hubby and friend, drink some wine, and forget all about the key situation.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning.  I believe I have a meeting at 9 am.  At about 8:30am I remember that my keys are missing.  (can you say DUH?!?) I am going to be SO LATE!  I look for them frantically and finally give up, taking a spare key to the car and leaving myself means to get beck in when I return.  So my abode isn't the Fort Knox that I usually leave it.

I get to work at 9:15 cursing traffic and my scatter brained head, only to find that there is no meeting.  Thank God, because I was late yet again!  So I do some grocery shopping before heading home to try to enter my compromised Fort Knox.  I pack all my groceries while talking to the cashier.  I proceed to pay and try to walk out without my wallet.  (WTF is wrong with me?)  The cashier reminds me about the wallet.  I grab it and put it in my pocket and leave.

I get home and unpack the perishable goods.  I also figure out lunch for myself and then get caught up in randomness.  Who needs keys?

So fast forward to last night, I went out to a friends house with my hubby.  We were stopping to pick up food on the way there.  I have been volunteered to ferry the food from the restaurant to the car.  I look through my purse as we approach the restaurant trying to find my wallet.  It's missing.  OK, where did I leave it again?  I rack my brains and can't remember for the life of me, so my hubby graciously gives me money to pay for our food, and we continue our night.

We get home at the end of the night, and I proceed to put food in the fridge, and get caught up in more utter nonsense.  Where my keys and wallet are?  Oh I'm not thinking about that.

So I wake up this morning, and do the morning routine with my little angel.  I go to get ready for Yoga class and I remember, I have no keys or wallet.  I'm not going anywhere.

I proceed to rip apart my bedroom looking everywhere for the keys and wallet, not understanding why they aren't on my bureau or in any of my pockets.  Then I remember, on Sunday i put my key in the diaper bag.  I look, and there they are right in the diaper bag where i left them.

One down, and one to go, My wallet was still missing.  I continue to look everywhere including the fridge and freezer.  Finally I give up and decide to log into the computer and check to see if someone has used my credit card.  I'm almost hoping that it was stolen, so that I don't feel like such an idiot.

I get distracted, and end up checking e-mail.  Then I look up.  Sitting there on my desk, In plain view is my wallet.

WTF?!?!?  AM I really this scatterbrained and unorganized now?

I went and made sure my keys were still hanging where they belong, and I hung my wallet with them.  I better go make sure I haven't lost my phone, or anything else.  Or maybe I'll check on my little angel instead...

Sleep this weekend eluded me.  I was awake for 24 hours straight from early Saturday to early Sunday, then I only had maybe 4 hours of sleep before having to start my day on Sunday.

It was a full day.  It was the flower festival and bridging ceremony at our church.  Then off to visit my Father-In -Law for Father's day.  We finally returned home around 9pm.

So my daughter and I went through our normal bedtime routine.  We both dosed off while reading.  So I placed her into her crib, kissed my husband good night and proceeded into the bedroom to crawl into bed.

As I was dozing I was aware that my husband was still awake and moving about the house.  A toilet would flush, a faucet would run, a door would open and I could hear his laughter from time to time.  These sounds are such a part of my environment that they are calming to me.

My room never gets completely black at night.  There is always ambient light around.  So as I dose, I occasionally open my eyes to spy a cat that needs petting, or a dog that wants to lie next to the bed.  Again, these are all such a part of my environment that they are expected and loved parts of my evenings.

At some point as I am dosing, I realize that the sounds of my husband have dissipated.  I open my eyes to see if he has joined me in bed.  The room is black as pitch.  I do not hear anyone or anything, save the sound of my own breathing.  I reach out to see if my cats or husband are in the bed with me.

As I reach out, I feel someone's presence at the door to my room.

The presence feels cold and foreboding.  I speak "Honey?" while wondering if we lost power in the neighborhood.

Some part of me felt that there was something more sinister going on, but there was no logical explanation for my mounting fear.  Except for the silence, the eerie complete silence.

There is no response from the figure that I am sure is in the doorway, even though I can not see it.  I speak louder "HONEY?"

I feel the presence rush toward me.  Soon I feel a weight on my chest.  I begin to scream.  "Get off of me!  HELP!"  Still all I can hear is the sound of my struggles as I fight for my next breath.

As I struggle, I feel the blankets lift up and come down over my face.  I am engulfed in material, and unable to pull it away from my face.  More weight seems to pile on my soon to be lifeless form.  I scream louder and louder as the terror flows through me.  My scream burns in my chest.  I know I am wasting oxygen with my screams, but I can not help but hope that it will save me from my unseen and unheard attacker.  I flail about and kick my legs which seem to be the only part of me that isn't being crushed with an ever increasing weight.

I know I only have but a moment left.  While I am expending all of my physical energies, toward escaping, my mind starts to float.  Thinking of tactical ways to fight and then flashing to memories of my daughter's smile or my husband's kiss.

I am not sure if it was the memories that helped me through, but I awakened from my ordeal.  I was in bed, and my husband was lying by my side asking if I was alright.  The light and sound had returned to my world.  I nodded and said in a gravelly voice "Did you hear me scream?"  He said he had heard me cry out, but it wasn't understandable.  At the time, I couldn't help but be amazed at the power that the subconscious can have over us.  I snuggled into my husband's arms and began to snooze again.  This time with my head on his chest.

When I awoke this morning, I realized that last night, I either had a nightmare, or my husband tried to kill me.  I'm going to assume it was a nightmare, but I'll be watching him carefully for a while.